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HOW TO QUIT A JOB WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR : EMPLOYEE SENDS FINAL REPORT AS MANAGER ON DUTY










MANAGER ON DUTY REPORT
 DATE:
05/30/2014
PREVIOUS DAY’S TOTALS
OCC %
# ROOMS OCC
OUT OF ORDER
COMP
WALKS
NO SHOWS
    65.2%
146
0
            1
0
2







TODAY’S NUMBERS
OCC%
ARRIVALS
DEPARTURES
ROOMS LEFT
7AM
            64.3%
        118
        86
48
3PM
11PM

Night Audit Shift: Grant & Matthew & Cristina
COMPLETED BY:
Matthew

    



For my last transmission I plan to start with a Haiku, which is a form of poetry that follows strict guidelines on how many syllables go into each line, for those uninformed few:




    Haiku's can be fun
    But they don't always make sense
    Refrigerator





    Last night was entirely uneventful outside of the whole emotional event that was my last night on planet Doubletree.  The emotional toll might have been too great so I might have to fill out a WKC-12 E.  Or I might simply hibernate for a year to fully process the amount of potentially damaging chemicals that were released into my brain caused by higher cognitive activity created by my heightened emotional state, but who knows. 
    





    As for guest issues there were none.  Literally none.  I am not joking I did not see one person all night.  Its like we were living in some sort of creepy twilight zone episode until about 4 o'clock am PST, or approximately 7 o'clock am EST.  Added to that was the fact that the music has not been changed all night so I am continually hearing the same happy go lucky song structure every minute of my eight hour shift, confirming my prognosis of the entire event that was "the Twilight Zone".  I might send in the Ghostbusters to get some EMF readings or something if I were you?
    






    Besides this I do have one general observation to report.  The mosquitoes are procreating at an alarming rate, if we were not so diligent at night about slaughtering the elder statesmen of the group there might be a serious problem.  I have a feeling they are planning to take over control of the hotel by spreading some sort of entirely new virus that will infect our brains.  While typing this at Sam's desk I feel like I am in the Rainforest or some similar semi-temperate climate.  How he does this everyday I am not sure?  With the awkwardly placed plants all around this desk that are obviously serving as a nesting location for our pesky invaders, you could easily dress up as Indiana Jones and reenact Raiders of the Lost Ark.  (This would not be recommended as you would seem not only crazy, but most likely provoke the wrath of the mosquitoes.)
    





    The chance that the pool will overflow because of rainfall today is 0% seeing as there is a 0% chance of precipitation today.  The sun is also putting in a half-baked job, it will only reach 78 degrees at its pinnacle of kinetic energy in relation to its ability to cause molecules to move in a random pattern creating our unexplainable word "heat".  If someone could possibly write up the sun for not working hard enough to burn off the morning fog at the beaches until noon, it could possibly motivate him through negative punishment, rather than the more favorable positive reinforcement.  But of course this is all rampant speculation because we simply do not understand the suns psychological states the same way we understand the psychological states of test animals, and weird dogs owned by inhumane scientists.
    




    If you have read this far you have realized I have simply written nothing for three paragraphs and continue to do so at this point.  Nothing notable happened last night, and I thought I could let everyone down on the last night of employment.  I hope it was all quite entertaining, because I am unsure how one garners entertainment value from anything that is not in lighthearted, humorous prose with inexplicably vague and interpretive jargon.  Pretty classy stuff.  
    

    One last joke, a grammar joke surprisingly.

    "Knock, knock?

    Whose there?

    To.

    To Who?

    To Whom." 



  
This message will not self destruct in 30 seconds, but you must take me off all distribution lists.  This is not a request, but a demand.





Thank you,
Matthew LemMon | Hotel Night Auditor





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